Thoughts at The Time of Covid19

There are many United Methodists who became infected with Covid-19. When I heard their story, they inspired me as they shared how God used their lives to bless others. One of them was Kuya Arnel de Pano who was one of the those who encouraged me and lifted my spirit during the time I was sick in the hospital. My prayer is that, just as other people's story blessed me, may God make me a blessing to others as well.

This verse from Lamentations reminds me that '“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul. “Therefore, I have hope in Him.”'

When I got back to the hospital on the first Monday morning of September, I was informed that I got exposed to a doctor who may be positive. The next day, I was monitoring myself. On Wednesday, I was not feeling well so I went home early because I thought it was just a migraine. The following day, I self-quarantined after learning that some of the other doctors had tested positive for Covid19. I returned to the hospital to have my swab test later that afternoon. I kept monitoring my body temperature as it was persistently going high up to 37.5 degrees C. Later that Thursday night, my body temperature was already at 38 degrees so I immediately went to the hospital and was advised admission.

It was nerve-wracking to think what could happen next. I was at first feeling Ok because I only experienced fever the first few days. Yet, I was worried because I heard one of the doctors who got infected now has pneumonia. So, I tried to exercise too and eat well and do my best to make sure my body can cope. I told myself that I should get past the first 10 days without any breathing problems. They said the worst Covid19 symptoms are in the first 7 to 10 days. Unfortunately, even on the 8^th day my fever was still present and I was beginning to catch my breath even with the short distance to the bath room. Also, radiographic tests showed I have severe pneumonia. The nurses gave me oxygen but I refused hoping that I can teach my lungs to adapt and cope to the situation. The next day, my oxygen saturation was going below the acceptable level of 90. I was having short shallow breaths but putting the oxygen did help me breath better. Different thoughts started to fill my mind at that point. I was still within the 10-day period where most of the morbid cases of Covid-19 usually takes place. In those moments, I just stared at the window. In an instant, the doctor is now the patient.

I was in a situation where I was not just a patient trying to recover physically but was also struggling emotionally and mentally. I was thinking how health workers affected with Covid-19 may have felt knowing they were at a critical condition and could die. I did not fear death but there was sadness in me. I was lamenting. I was also thinking how my Uncle, the elder brother of my father, may have felt during his own hospitalization. He knew he had Covid19 and he knew he was in critical condition. No one was with him while he was in the hospital. What were his thoughts then? My uncle died the next day after he was confined. Not one family member was with him when he died and when he was buried. It was emotionally stressful for me. Our family could not even grieve properly for his death. I was also thinking of the patient in the next room. I can hear the beep of his ventilator. For several days I wake up at night to the sound of that beep. But one afternoon, the nurse called code on him. My next room neighbor did not make it. He was another death case from Covid19. I can imagine the grief of the family. It seemed an eternity of mental and emotional stress for me. Even if I am a clergy, I was in a spiritual crisis. If I do not make it, I would have many unaccomplished goals. I would be leaving my wife and kids with nothing. I would not fulfill my promise to my family. I would let my friends and colleagues down. I felt the gift of life is wasted. I turned to God.

The lamenting became questions. How can I get past this situation? When I asked God, I realized what was the problem. I reflected on my attempts trying to protect myself from Covid19? How hard am I trying to heal myself from Covid19? Ilang tao ba ang nag message and told me with good intentions to keep myself healthy? Pero, where is God in all of those efforts? Maybe I trusted too much on my own strength? Have I forgotten to put everything on God alone? Is not God the God of everything? Then why am I trying to make things happen? Since this pandemic started, I was trying to fight the virus by myself. This concept was fed by messages of “kaya mo yan” (you can do it), “palakas ka”(just be strong), “ganito gawin mo, ganyan” (do this and that). Because of the messages I received I got the idea that I can fight the virus with my own effort, I just need to do some things for my body to resist it. But I realized that I have left out God in the equation. Because I was centered in my own effort I have notincluded God part of the healing. That was wrong. God should be the one to heal me. God will let it happen what God wants to happen. God will use all the T cells in me, even the medicine and technology if God so desires, not me. I should surrender all to God and let God. No effort from me to heal me but my only effort is to surrender to God. It will be God at work, all the time.

Things got better and it made me hopeful. On the 10^th day, I told myself to take it one day at a time. I will be improving only by God’s work. I am not yet out of the woods but there is hope. I will get pass the critical period. The pulmonologist visited me and told me that my laboratories were improving but I needed to shift to new antibiotics. That was great news for me. It made my spirits high. It boosted my morale. Only by God’s miraculous work can this happen. I never lost hope in God. Even when I was thinking the worst that could happen to me, that is when my hope in God was greater. I understood that hope is when everything is impossible, you still believe something good can happen. Hope is the only thing left. Hope is the only thing that keeps a person alive in the worst situation.

I love seeing the break of dawn in my window every morning. I make sure I listen to hymns played in YT.  The lyrics speaks to me  “When you don’t understand, when you don’t see His plan, when you can’t trace His hand, trust His heart.” I am remind by this song to hope only in God. I love the prayers of healing from family, friends and church communities. I remember people who overcame this illness inspired me and strengthened my hope. Worrying makes it difficult to get by everyday with all the  negative thoughts and “what ifs” without having hope. I reminded me to never lose hope or I will not survive. When I couldn't breath, I just prayed. I know I cannot do it. But I have hope in God that God can do it for me. I have hope that in God’s perfect time I will be healed. I held on to that hope. When I can just easily give up, hope is the only thing left to keep me focused on recovering and getting better. I have high hopes because I have a great God. I never doubted so my faith in him never wavered. My hope of recovery was never lost because I know God can do it. I can continue the fight because God is my hope.

Update: On November 1, 2021 my mother succumbed to Covid-19 after several days in the hospital. My hope in the resurrection inspires me that all those who suffered will be at peace with God.